December 1, 2023

GoFundMe Campaign launched!

https://www.gofundme.com/f/best-for-katie-parental-rights-and-custody

I’ve officially set up the GoFundMe campaign and working hard on getting the word out. I’ll be sending Christmas cards to all my friends and family with a link to the campaign requesting their support and prayers. I’ll be sending along hard copies of the children’s book I authored, The Daisybears and the Great Door. You can download the eBook on the site’s home page here.

I’m not used to sending Christmas cards, but now that I’ve started, it’s something that I want to do every year. During our 17-year marriage, I felt isolated from friends and family. One bright spot to the divorce is that I’ve found a supportive community of people. I’ve moved back in with my parents as I start my life over again. I’ve grown very close to them as they have helped me to heal. I’m very grateful to them and the church community I’ve found.

Was this the reason God allowed divorce into life? To get me out of the isolating marriage so that I could live out my faith in a Christian community?

Check back for regular (at least weekly on Saturdays) updates.

December 2, 2023

I remember making this video and posting this on my TikTok account about two years ago now. When my daughter was 3 years old, I taught her about God. While she was “supposed” to be napping, I heard Katie on the monitor repeat my words while hugging herself. She says, “Love is holding all of us.” More now than I ever, I need to remember these words. I ask God for the faith and hope to see this through.

My daughter is depending on it!

December 4, 2023

I was at my men’s prayer group meeting tonight and shared the video with two of my brothers in Christ. I was disappointed because they had a hard time hearing my daughter saying the words. I also think I was disappointed because they weren’t “amazed” by the video. I was hoping that they would see it as uplifting and encouraging. I want them to love the content. I worked really hard on it and am very proud of it.

Afterwards, I was really beating myself up for being so vulnerable and not getting the response that I was hoping for. And when I say beating myself up, I mean really really beating myself up. Like I was cursing at myself over and over again.

This has been a problem for me for a very long time, going back to my college days. I was processing this behavior, and I think it has to do with self-judgment that I’m projecting onto others. I know that they are not thinking about the incident right now. The feelings and behaviors that I have after something like this is what I call a “vulnerability hangover.” It is when I was more vulnerable than I was capable of handling and am now filled with regret over showing that side of myself.

Ideally, before I shared something about myself, I would be secure enough in myself, that it would not matter whether my share was accepted or not. It’s about the security to self-validate and not need external validation to tell me that I am a valuable and worthy human being.

I’ve struggled with believing that I am valuable and worthy for my entire life. It’s sad really. It’s an issue that is decades in the making, and I need a lot of inner healing to move past this.

If you’re reading this, please pray for me. It will be a process.

December 5, 2023

I decided that I’m not going to promote the GoFundMe campaign to all my friends and family right now. Originally, I had this plan to write everyone Christmas cards and include a note telling them that I started this GoFundMe. I printed business cards and even had a QR Code all set up. My psychiatrist advised against it. She said that Christmas cards were a good idea but most people don’t like receiving a card plus a solicitation. I was convinced and stopped myself from sending a card and gift to my brother with that business card with the QR Code.

After that, it was still hard to do the same for 3 Christmas cards I had already written, sealed, addressed, and stamped. “The wasted envelope and stamp,” I thought. But really I wanted someone to know what I was doing. They were 3 of my closest friends, and I knew they would understand. I wanted to get the ball rolling on this campaign. I was conflicted.

So I ran it by my best friend, and she persuaded me that it wasn’t a good idea. The idea that I could fund my legal fees through GoFundMe was grandiose. Even if I did see some success stories on the site, there were so many other campaigns out there. I came to realize that it could damage the friendships to mix Christmas cards and a GoFundMe campaign. I should put more into the “relationship bank.” Even with those I felt very comfortable with.

So I’m surrendering this dream into God’s hands.

December 7, 2023

I bought Katie’s Christmas present the other day. It’s an Easy Bake Oven. I think she’ll have a lot of fun with it. But it will depend on my ex-wife setting things up and then allowing her to do the rest on her own. More than anything this Christmas, I wish I could be there with my daughter on Christmas morning as she opens up all of her presents. It will be 3 Christmases that I’ll have missed out on. Chin up, Tom! Things will get better. Pray and trust.

December 9, 2023

I told a church friend last Sunday about the GoFundMe. He’s a sales manager, and I thought he could give me some advice on setting up a campaign when I’m ready. I gave him a card that leads to the site. Yesterday, he asked me if I made it public yet. I explained to him the decision I made. He confirmed that maybe it’s may not be best thing to do right now. We can revisit this next year.

I’m scheduled to share my testimony next Friday with my Life Group. At the last meeting, I felt that the Holy Spirit was convicting me to share - including all the ugly parts that happened right before and during the separation. I’m not looking forward to it. But as I prepare what I’m going to say, and share it with other people whom I know will not judge, it is becoming easier to imagine myself speaking about it.

I’m afraid that if people knew the entire story, they wouldn’t support me. But when I think about it, the people who know my story support me unconditionally. Isn’t that the way that family is supposed to work? Isn’t that the way that church is supposed to work?

Over the years, I formed many friendships through support groups and by reaching out to people I loved and trusted. I’ve told them about my brokenness. They know the dirty details. They know how I was in the hospital four times in four months. They know that I was arrested and spent the night in jail after lying to the police. I wanted someone of authority to know that I was being greatly harmed. I wanted that someone to do something about it. They know that I just wanted to see my daughter, and I wanted my daughter to see me.

They understand because they know the tremendous pressure I was under. Why can’t I trust the same of this new community I’ve become a part of? I guess part of the reason is because I was hoping to come down here to Georgia to escape that past life. I wanted to start over fresh where no one knew me. But my past has followed me. I still haven’t been able to see or speak to my daughter, and my church community knows what pain I’m in. I wonder if they wonder how I got myself into this position. It must have been something I did, right?

I’m afraid.

December 11, 2023

I shared with my Men’s Prayer group tonight the trouble I was having with negative thinking and the “I hate my life” tape running through my head. They prayed over me, and pastor David counseled me not to say “I hate myself” or curse at myself because those words have negative power over me.

December 15, 2023

I shared my story with my Life group tonight. It wasn’t as momentous as I built it in my mind to be. I didn’t feel judgment neither was anyone crying because of the incredible trial I’ve been through. It was normal. I didn’t feel rejected, but I didn’t feel validated either. Just quiet listening. Maybe it was better that way?

I know that right now, I’m not feeling that self-judgment or playing it over and over in my mind. I did share a personal and intimate spiritual experience I had that I could of left out. I kicked myself for being so vulnerable, but that led me to start praying out loud to God. That led me to recognize that I need to pray aloud to God more. There’s something significant about saying the words, and having your own ears hear them. It’s powerful. I feel less alone.

Speaking of which, the pastor’s wife prayed specifically about the loneliness I’ve felt throughout my life. There have been clear moments post-divorce where I felt the loneliness deeply. Even to the point of missing my ex-wife despite how poorly I was treated throughout our marriage and divorce. As I sit and write, I feel a sense of solitude, but not loneliness.

December 17, 2023

I need a lawyer. Trying to be my own lawyer has been mentally damaging and exhausting. Here is a copy of an email I sent to my ex-wife’s attorney on November 29th:

It’s been almost 4 weeks without a response. First, I thought she was busy and needed time to confer with my ex-wife and get back to me. Then, I thought that the reasonable thing to do was to reply back with a quick, “I got your email. I’ll let you know.” Next, I thought she was ignoring me because I’m not an attorney. I figured that attorney could write an email or make a quick call and get a response right away. And finally, I believe that the lawyer is stonewalling me. It’s a tactic that’s used to frustrate and cause pain in the person wanting to have an adult conversation about the issues.

What’s next? I haven’t had the capacity to think about it because the lack of response was triggering me. I think this week, I’ll follow up with a call or voice mail. Then another email. Then a certified letter. Do I think this will accomplish anything? Not expecting it. The only thing it will do is to show the court that my ex-wife and attorney are not willing to try to come to agreeable terms outside a judge deciding on the issues. It’s taken me almost 4 weeks to recover mentally. This is why I need an attorney. I want to fight, but I’ve done all I’m capable of by myself.

December 18, 2023

I realized something this morning. It was about why the “I hate my life” tape makes no sense. It makes no sense because it is no longer my life to hate. Galatians 2:20 says: “I have been crucified with Christ, and I no longer live. The life I now live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” It is no longer my life to hate. My life belongs to God. To say, “I hate my life” is my gasping breath of trying to have control over this spiritual being having a physical experience.

December 22, 2023

I spoke with God today. Instead of telling myself, “I hate my life,” I cried, “God, I hate my life.” The Holy Spirit worked through me to bring a lot of grief and sadness up from the depths of my heart. I need to be telling God this and bringing my pain to him. Like I said in the previous post, my old life is gone. So I’m no longer on speaking terms with myself. I’m going a bit deeper into being crucified with Christ and dying to myself.

I have an active Twitter account. So after I grieved, I sent out the following tweet:

There’s a lot to be said. If only I could be more patient with God and myself. However, God is revealing himself to me and letting me know that he is there. As I grieved this afternoon, I sang a song from my youth. The words are, “I want to know you. I want to hear your voice. I want to know you more. I want to touch you. I want to see your face. I want to know you more.”

This exact song, “I Want to Know You,” was sung at tonight’s church service. God is telling me that he is here with me. Even though I haven’t had quiet time or Bible meditation time in over a week. Even though I have been gripped by my vices as coping mechanisms. Even though I’ve complained in anger, resentment, and bitterness. Despite all these things, God is faithful.

To give an update on my legal case:

On Tuesday, I called my ex-wife’s attorney as a follow up to the email I sent on November. I left a voicemail. Again, I expect to be ignored and stonewalled. It’s part of the game. But it’s different this time because I know her tactics. I’m less triggered by them. Next is to wait a couple weeks and follow up with an email documenting what was said in the voicemail. After that, it’s a certified letter. None of this will accomplish anything toward seeing my daughter again.

I’m only creating evidence that she is unwilling to communicate with me. Earlier this year, I appeared before the judge on another matter, and I know that she wants matters to be settled outside of court. So by documenting all of the times that I’ve tried to reach out congenially, I’m making a case against them. I’m hoping to recoup some attorney’s fees by this method. We shall see.

Just now I received some pictures of Katie over text. She’s doing all sorts of Christmas-themed activities. It makes me sad to see that she’s having fun. It’s almost like I want her to miss me and be sad that I’m not there with her. I feel like she’s forgotten me in a similar way that I’ve lost touch with her. I really want to be a part of my daughter’s life. I wish I could be with her so much. I prayed really hard for Katie tonight at church. Harder than I have prayed before. I imagined leading her to Jesus, and helping to build her faith in him. It gave me comfort to know that one day, I will be a powerful force in my daughter’s life. I will be an influence and help raise her into an adult.

Not too long ago, God gave me a verse during my quiet time. Psalm 84:3 - “Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she my have her young — a place near your altar, Lord Almighty, my King and my God.”

As I meditated on this verse, I felt a strong inkling that the “young” was referring to Katie. And that she would be near God’s altar, meaning she would become a Christian. This may happen in her youth or as an adult - I don’t know. But as I wrote the words in my journal, the full message came. “Katie will become a Christian because of my faith.”

I’ve been through a lot. But if somehow, my journey means the difference between Katie becoming a Christian or not becoming a Christian, than it will have been worth to endure this excruciatingly painful season.

I will have faith and trust.

December 29, 2023

I had a breakthrough today. I was encouraged to find joy in the midst of my suffering. It may sound cliche, but it was a shift in perspective that I really needed. I’ve been feeling jealous when other church members were being prayed for because of what they were going through in their life. These have been tough circumstances for sure like illness and death in the family. But as I hear the prayers being lifted up, my heart was screaming, “What about me? Does anybody know my pain?”

Sometimes I don’t think that people understand what I’m going through and continue to go through. I shared at tonight’s Life Group that I cry during every praise and worship time, these deep guttural sobs. And that I feel so humbled by my part-time job at Office Depot. I lament, “I deserve so much more than this!” But I’ve truly been realizing how high God is compared to me. With my hands, I illustrated how I was down here and how God was up there stretching my other hand as far as I could reach. Then saying he was up to the ceiling and above.

As I’ve been humbled, my prayers have changed. I’m no longer praying for a job or a lawyer or to see my daughter again. My prayer is: Let your will be done. Let your will be done.

A brother said that he would support me in that prayer and challenged me to go further - to pray and love others around me. I responded that I am in the hospital. And the people I can love are the doctors, nurses, and other patients in the hospital.

I have a platform in Twitter and I can Tweet and hold Spaces on this topic of finding JOY in the midst of narcissistic abuse, parental alienation, unemployment, etc. I almost opened up a Space like that tonight, but rethought it. I need to marinate on this before putting it into action. I’ve acted impulsively before when I want to just run with an idea. There would be nothing wrong with that, but maybe not the healthiest thing for me.

I’m debating whether I should text my ex-wife for Christmas pictures of Katie. It could be triggering again. I really want to connect with her. But why is it triggering? I guess I can’t stand how my ex is the gatekeeper. I want direct access to my daughter. So to be denied that feels like death to me all over again. Will you sit with me as I cry for a little while. I want to gather the strength and courage to text my ex-wife. It will be very painful. Please watch with me as I pray. In this pain, I’m praying, “I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to.” So why should I push myself? Because my daughter needs to have a connection with me too.

I just sent the message, thanks for sitting here with me.

January 4, 2024

Happy New Year! There’s a lot I want to get out right now, but I don’t know where to start. I’ll begin by talking about the last communication with my ex-wife. I asked her through text if I could send Katie gummy bears through the mail. I also wanted to confirm that she received the Easy Bake Oven and card I sent for Christmas. I expect her to check the message in 24 hours, and then take another 24 hours to respond. I’m irritated at the pace of communication between us. It’s tough that things haven’t changed since I started communicating with her about 3 months after the divorce was finalized.

Yesterday, I was feeling really irritated when thinking about the last interaction. After I asked for some pictures from Christmas, I asked my ex if she could send more pictures and video without me asking each time. I also asked her if she could take pictures and video rather than scroll through pictures she’s already taken. I’m frustrated because I don’t feel she’s making an effort to foster a relationship between us. As I thought about this, I got angry and realized that I’m trying to control her behavior. And I can’t control her.

I called a friend and talked about it with him. I’m moving more toward acceptance. Like the stage of grief, acceptance is not a destination, but a process - a difficult process. But I’m engaging in it by realizing that I can’t control her.

That’s it for now. Thanks for listening.

January 18, 2024

It’s been two weeks since I last gave an update. I’ve gotten a reassurance from God that if I try to circumvent God’s plan for me, he will draw me back. I felt freedom from this realization knowing that I could move in any direction and that God would guide my steps.

So I got the idea of asking my brother to loan me the money for the legal fees. I then asked my father we he thought of the idea. He had some reservations, but he was supportive of it. The next morning, my mom shared to me her thoughts. She was against it. She didn’t want me asking my brother and wasting that money on a lawyer. She doesn’t understand. So I started and laid it out from the beginning. I explained that I needed a lawyer because there are court orders in place. I felt frustrated. More to come…